MISSION STATEMENT

In a Buddhist talk recently, my teacher Vinny Ferraro of Big Heart City and Spirit Rock, explained the difference between the kind of self reflection that is ego building versus real internal inquiry. In ego building, we fortify the familiar narrative of who we imagine ourselves to be. In real inquiry, one widens their scope and comes from a curious place—anything could happen! It’s “mindfulness without identification.” We are free to acknowledge ALL feelings, wants and sensations.

For years, I’ve been working to offer a therapeutic space that supports the latter. To that end, I’ve moved away from coaching, *advice, positive thinking, even thought correcting (CB T). I certainly have dropped any kind of talk of self-improvement or value judgements on behavior. Those models never resonated with me anyways. To me, that all happens in the head, is sometimes a reflection of oppressive systems, and doesn’t often lead to sustainable change. Furthermore, it can feel pushy or shaming to the client. No dice.

Instead, I’ve been asking myself what I need to do specifically to hold space for expansive exploration, raw understanding and radical acceptance. It comes down to the language of my questioning and the quality of listening.

To infuse this intention, I’ve studied Gabor Mate’s work and Buddhist Psychology with Matthew Brensilver through Spirit Rock. Mate calls this kind of engagement ‘compassionate inquiry.’ Brensilver might describe it as listening from a position of presence and equanimity. Vinny calls it “sincere interest without agenda” or “affectionate curiosity.” The thing to note in all is that these are active examination and listening processes regarding all aspects of an experience, offered in a purposeful, kind and non-judgmental manner.

I’ve noticed a few specific intentions in my practice that are worth mentioning. My supervisees know these well.

One, that the therapist must listen and sense the client with all their awareness. It’s multi-dimensional attention. They listen to content and also observe how their nervous system responds when the client speaks, catching subtle inflections in the client’s voice, noticing small shifts in body language. Asking questions like: What does it feel like in your body as you share this? Have you said it like this before? Are you aware of resistance, control, or tension as you speak? I’m noticing some emotion come up, would you like to spend some time with that? Is what you’re saying aligned with what you’re feeling? I’m wondering if this is connected to what you were exploring a few weeks ago.

Two, very simply, you must love your client and their plight. An open heart yields freedom. Acting as a companion creates a sense of safety. The energy is steady and engaged.

Three, you must be connected to your own pain. This means that you’re willing to go anywhere the client uncovers. You know your shadows, or if you don’t, you’re courageous enough to lean in when presented with them. Your heart must be cracked open to be available to someone else. When I have abandoned the want to be a good professional, to be treated a certain way, to have the answers, to be impressive with my fancy insights and am instead able to be with the person’s pain, joy, and everything in between, the connection is palpable. In that space, I watch as the client looks around with new eyes, safe enough to be with themselves and to be open to observations made by me. Because I’m in a position of empathy (versus sympathy), it feels like our own personal community of healing. It allows us to actually see someone, and for them to see themselves.

It is my intent and aspiration to reclaim questioning and listening so that it means THIS. That it is considered a powerful, reverant process that a client takes part in so they can both be held and hear themselves clearly. So that when they speak, they trust that they are being received in this way, with this level of respect and commitment. When you connect in this manner, you are taking someone in with your soul. It’s a blessing and an honor.

-HG

*When someone comes to therapy and asks for advice, coaching, lots of homework or techniques, this is not an immediate dealbreaker. I note that and attempt to discern (through this gentle inquiry) whether that’s a simple personality preference or an effort to “feel better quick.” If it’s the latter, we begin to make space for the parts of themselves that are afraid or confused by discomfort, the parts that offer strength and resilience, the parts that look elsewhere for wisdom, and hold all that in compassionate awareness. If they still want advice, I’ve got good referrals.

Some inspiration!

“The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed; to be seen, heard and companioned exactly as it is. When we make that kind of deep bow to the soul of a suffering person, our respect reinforces the soul’s healing resources, the only resources that can help the sufferer make it through.” -Parker Palmer

“We get to the centre of our own biology of belief…rethink and reorganize—re-cognizing: literally, to ‘know again’ our lives.” When we do that, the stress and tension connected to those convictions can release, and we have the power to establish “active, free, and informed choice.” -Gabor Mate, When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection

“That is why knowledge and insight have the power to transform, and why insight is more helpful to people is more helpful to people than advice. If we gain the ability to look into ourselves with honesty, compassion, and with unclouded vision, we can identify the ways we need to take care of ourselves. We can see the areas of the self formerly hidden in the dark.” -Gabor Mate, When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection

“You don't have to fix anyone's problems. You don’t have to save them, heal them, or get them to take on your favorite metaphysical beliefs, theories, and techniques. Just be there with them so that they feel felt and understood. Bear witness to their own organic wisdom as it recalibrates, reorganizes, and emerges. Listen. Not only to their verbal narrative but to the somatic story as well. To the secret, sensitive language emerging from their heart. Bracket your beliefs and systems for a few moments. Attune. With the poetic beauty and power of your mirror neuron system, enter into the miracle we-space with them, so that they feel felt. I'm with you. I'm here. I feel you. I understand you. Be midwife as a new story is woven with new cloth, one that is majestic enough to contain the immensity that they are. One that is updated in real-time, integrated, spacious, flexible, translucent, and kind. Extend to them a soothed nervous system, a sanctuary of presence, a field of permission where they can go through their experience without any pressure to heal or to meet some hidden agenda in order for you to stay close. Resist the temptation to “teach” them. But instead, “reach” them, finally, by way of the circuitry of empathic immersion. It's going to be difficult to do this if we are out of touch with our own unlived life – with the unmet grief, the unheld sadness, the unmetabolized rage. If we have disavowed these visitors – including through our endless metaphysical theories and beliefs: it will just be too unsafe to enter the vessel with eyes and heart open. Of course the mind has such a hard time with this. It just can't believe it. What about my theories and techniques and spiritual beliefs and all of it? I must convey it all and show them. But the body knows. The heart knows. The holy nervous system knows. -Matt Licata